Tonight it takes its purest form...it's simply writing what I feel.
I strongly believe in following your own heart, chasing your desires, in allowing your true self to show through in every aspect of your life. All of those now cliche, but admirable things.
But in all of these things I have so epically failed.
Fear is a bitch. Rational, irrational, whether by internal or external causes it is disturbingly easy to turn your life over to it...just toss away the excitement of dreams that lie closest to your innermost being and rationalize your greatness away. It kills every vestige of potential in ideas, creativity, situations, relationships....great loves. You still desperately chase after the things that you desire only to find that they were shadows when all is said and done. Expectations beget disappointments, until you are painted into a small life, safely insulated from harm and sadness...and most importantly, risk. At least that has been my well worn path.
But this assumed 'haven' comes at a high price. One of loneliness, isolation, heartbreak, and wounds left unhealed. I am all too familiar with mine, as I have made it my home rather than a place I visit when I need respite from the world. This once safe refuge is no longer what I had designed for myself.
It used to be cozy and warm...I could watch the storm at the window and be grateful for the warm fire burning in the hearth...now the walls feel hollow and meaningless, as though made of nothing more than paper. They provide no comfort or peace, for the tempest is no longer at the window. It is within me- inescapable and ever present. The truth is if you stay in your haven long enough you will be forced to finally face your truest and most formidable adversary- Yourself.
Trust of one's self is an incredibly difficult and terrifying attribute to hone given less than ideal circumstances. Even though those in my own life have framed the only reality I have known, objectivity has forced me to admit that I have experienced tragedy in spades. By the age of 11 I already understood that people will just drop you off at grandma's and then come to visit but never to take you home, that my life as I know it could be instantly dismantled by the struggles of others, and that those you most love could be snuffed out of your life in the blink of an eye and there is no amount of magic, hope, prayer, or bargaining with God that can bring them back.
All of these things shaped and directed the course of my life, influencing even the smallest decisions along the way. Being so young and unable to communicate my thoughts and feelings at the time, I took from it that perhaps I had done something, been some particular way that had caused these things to happen to me. It became easier to love safely from a distance, and to ease the minds of those around me by finding a way to be amiably "ok". And unfortunately I was able to fool almost anyone I pleased. Being "good" became a well sharpened tool in my arsenal. I became subject to the lives and experiences of others, complacent to sit in the passenger seat of the ambitions of the people surrounding me. I often told myself that things would eventually go my own way if I just laid low and bided my time. I trusted that others would eventually pave a way for me to do so, but over time it became evident that no one seemed to recognize that I was waiting for them to act on my behalf. I carried this into my adulthood, and within this path I lost more than the ability to assert myself. I lost trust in pretty much everyone and sought a new art- not needing help.
There was a time when I would have been mad at me for allowing this to have gotten to where it is...to be angry at the time I have wasted. But I'm glad that my choices finally forced myself into a corner. I have never faced a bigger fear than of myself- what I am capable of, how I can destroy the things I desire more quickly than I can create something beautiful...how I chased the things I wanted with such cautious desperation that I ended up treading in place. I can look in the mirror now and recognize the cause of much of my own despair. And beyond that, I have been able to finally forgive her for causing me so much misery and pain.
Given a real and intentional chance, trust has become the most fundamentally transformational lesson of my life. And, while a part of me does wish I had caught on so much sooner, I am thankful that I was fortunate enough to learn it all, as I have seen the lack of it silently wreak havoc in the lives of others till the day they die. I allowed this to happen for most of my life, but thankfully it's not over yet. It does not have to be my future.
I've finally managed to come to an agreement with the worst parts of myself...the most wounded...and to call a truce. I am finally willing to start making a concerted effort to get out of my own way and give this whole happiness thing a true shot. It has meant building new habits of really knowing what I feel and allowing myself to express it without concern for how I might be perceived. It has meant sharing more freely of myself with those I interact with, especially those I love best. It has been scary at times, but their unfailing support and love for me in my apparent weakness has only expedited the process of being free...letting go of control of my immediate surroundings- giving me the courage I need to venture back into the world and call it my home.
And now, I can finally learn the next lesson...letting go. I can put down the masks I've felt forced to wear...let go of the bad things that have happened to me along the path of life, trusting that history won't inevitably repeat itself, as my reaction can be the thing that changes...let go of all the ideas of people that I have clung to like a tattered teddy bear all this time...
And as the dust clears I will finally see the things in my life for what they are...let them take their own shape and form and allow them to be what they are for the first time in my life as a whole.
Honestly? When I'm truly aware of what's happening I can hardly contain the excitement of what I will find. To finally be out of my own way enough to experience the life I only thought vaguely possible up until a short while ago. To not just hope for the hope to believe it possible, but to actually have it...
And I have great reason to hope. When I look at my life and the things that I have accomplished despite my fears and unhealed spaces, I can hardly conceive of what will be possible without them...
So now it's time to finally get out and play in the rainstorm. Thunder and all.