In the last week since learning of his untimely passing I have gone through a lot of things in my head and heart. I've felt more variations of emotions than I realized were possible, let alone for a friend I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with. But one thing has become clear to me through this whole thing- last Saturday I lost a dearly loved friend.
It's hard, sudden death. I had forgotten. I hadn't experienced it in a very long time, but now I remember. The shock of it all- Its ebb and flow throughout my day. My sense of normalcy, randomly disturbed by sudden fits of feelings. Questions that will never have the satisfaction of answers. Why him? Why now? Why like this? Sometimes it feels so unfair I can hardly stand it. It's a hard one to swallow, for many.
But the ebb brings something different: the strong memory of a life well lived. The way he laughed. The way he loved. The way he worked through everyday human fears to push himself further and further. Tom made the ordinary look extraordinary. Effortless. Living a good 3+ hours away I can't pretend to know Tom better than the many who had the pleasure of his presence daily but, I can say we knew eachother. There was something kindred about him. After seeing the outpouring of love in his honor a few days ago, I'm certain that I'm not alone in this experience.
Getting a chance to bask in the sun on a beautiful day while everyone set their gaze on Tom- it was a beautful and very much needed moment for us all, I think. Something we needed to help us remember his way- to keep moving, keep hoping and to keep loving everyone who comes our way. We're all connected and Tom understood that. Whether it was conscious or not, he managed to remind us of the importance and power of compassion and understanding, loving us when we felt just plain unloveable.
Compassion is a force of nature, encompassing what we long for most: a perfected love encompassing forgiveness and the unconditional permission to just be ourselves. It's a type of love that feeds our very being in a way that no other love can, allowing our spirits to be free to thrive and grow. It's like sunshine for our souls, withering life out of the guilt and shame that comes with our form, restoring us towards wholeness. While he may never have expressed it quitte like that, he knew it well and got straight to work, tirelessly extending a hand to those that crossed his path.
I've been learning that grief is a process, one that has a way of coming and going as it pleases. It can't be helped and that's okay. The flows will come, but do not let them take you. When they come, remember his love for you- his joy in your simply being here, just as you are. Let the feeling of loss remind you of why you're sad to begin with and focus on that- the eyes of compassion- and let it remind you that it's not gone, but within you too. .
Now, get to living and loving!
To Tom!